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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Ten Dead People Who Should Be Reincarnated Just To Be Run Over By A Tricked Out Honda Civic

10. Thomas Edison
Electricity is freaking awesome, man. Sometimes, when I’m all alone at night, I take off all my clothes and worship the vacuum cleaner and press the button on and off so it goes veem, voom, veem, voom, veem, voom. I then chant random words I heard Barbra Streisand say in a sort of mantra (“Mashuga, mashuga, mashuga, mashuga”) and sacrifice a Hot Pocket so the vacuum never stops working on me. I’m a devoted follower. And you know what, electricity is so freaking awesome, that if I had the know how, I’d even attach a Flux capacitor to my Rav 4 and time travel back into the 1800’s to run over Thomas Jefferson in drive, reverse, drive, reverse fashion. In my country (America) running over people is the greatest form of respect you can give a person, as long as you do it tastefully and while playing Jefferson Starship in your cassette player. Try it sometime; I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

9. Alexander Graham Bell
Without Mr. Graham, we wouldn’t be able to call 911 and have the ambulance arrive 12 minutes later than the Spanish guy from Dominos. And running over the creator of the telephone before he finished it would send ripples through the annoying “chat as loud as you can at the movie theatre” crowd. Those jerk-offs ruined Shrek 2 AND Munich for me, both great family films if you ask me; also great date movies (Especially in Munich after Eric Bana has sex with his wife amidst a wtf transcendental flashback of gunfire at the end. That scene gets me in the mood for lovin’ every time.) So good riddance to him, that Mr. Bell. Sending angry smoke signals to your best friend to stop sleeping with your sister is so much more efficient and practical anyhow. Try telling your friend that you’re going to meet them outside the 25 cent Peep Show to kick their ass by flapping a giant potato sack in front of a frenzied fire and you’ll see just what I mean. It works!

8. Abraham Lincoln.
Four Score, and Seven Decades ago, Abe Lincoln was a hero. Now, after being a wuss and stepping down from office by getting assassinated (wimp), Lincoln looks like a magically materialized bra at a Star Trek convention—highly creamed over by fans, but seemingly pedestrian to practically everybody else. Running him over with a Honda Civic would be the best move of his career. Or John Wilkes Booth’s.

7. Elvis Presley
Everybody knows that Elvis is much better dead than when he was alive, so running him over a little earlier in his career (Like, before he started singing) would have definitely sent him into the stratosphere of success. Who knows, perhaps instead of being acclaimed as the king of rock and roll, he might have been known as “that Menphis truck driver that like to eat all dem fried banana and peanut butter sammiches at the diner.” Now isn’t that a whole lot more endearing? The answer to that question is yes. Yes, it is.

6. Lou Diamond Phillips
Lou Diamond Phillips IS dead, right? I mean, I haven’t seen him in a movie in like, a gazillion years. Anyway, the “set it and forget it,” star would look very good as a tread mark because no man should be able to do such an awesome movie like “La Bamba” and then turn around and do a turd with corn in it like “BATS.” Travesty is a word. Lou Diamond Phillips (If crunched together) is another word. Those two words are synonyms in my book.

5. President Taft
Did you know Taft had to be buried in a piano when he died? He was THAT corpulent. A man like that deserves to be treated with utmost respect! That is why you should choose the sleek, comforting ride of a Lexus RX 4h to plow over his fat ass. If you like running over speed bumps as fast as you can, running over this speed bump will send you into the stratosphere! Yee haw!

4. Adolph Hitler
Okay, since everybody on this list has done something positive for this world (except Lou Diamond Phillips), I have to include at lease one jerk-off, so here he is: the fuehrer himself, Adolph Hitler. It would be fun to roll over this bastard with a hefty Honda because it was his idea to create the Volkswagen Beetle. Have you ever seen that thing? Besides it’s presence on the side of roads being a good reason to scream “Punch buggy reds” and leave a right arm sore as salt for hours (You see that? Hitler’s even causing pain from BEYOND the grave), the V wagon is also the fugliest vehicle since the P Wagon (The Prius), but not as fuel efficient. Oh, and besides that, the douche bag also sent millions of Jews to their deaths. It’s that atrocity and the hideous Volkswagon that earns him a place on this list.

3. Marlon Brando
First off, Brando is too epic to be run over by a Honda Civic, you’d have to hit him with a Hummer…or a meteorite. Second, bowling over this blubber ball would be worth it just to hear that glazed ham say, “The horror…the horror…” just one more time for old time’s sake. That never gets old. Neither does Steeelllllllllaaaa!

2. 2Pac Shakur
How many albums did this guy release after he “died?” Seven? Eight? EIGHT?! He’s not dead, he’s probably the one wrote that catchy Empire Carpets jingle (that white guy with the mustache even kinda sorta LOOKS like 2Pac a little bit). Run over this gangster real proper like at least one time to make sure he’s really gone for good this time!

1. Current President George Bush
This fucker’s been dead to me since his first day in office. In his honor, Hot Wheels should lead the way right over his supple, bureaucratic body.


Blogger worsebrains said...

That was more than a mindfuck of a read at two in the morning.

i would however in the space allowed add a few runner ups.

Vin Diesel because the tricked out Honda Civic wouldn't even exist without his techicnical knowhow. Also because Mr. TooFurious appreciates irony.

Nikolai Tesla I figure if Thomas Edison makes the list, why not the other "Father of Electricity." The only condition would be that he would have to be hit while crossing the street tugging a red wagon onboard which is fully functional Tesla Coil. And the Civic must be powered by DC current.

Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and The Big Bopper They would never make it to the doomed America Pie for an errant Civic would tragically take out the trio on the tarmac thus drastically changing the death paradigm for travelling rock stars. Twenty years later, one third of Lynard Skynard will meet their fate out in baggage claims by a renegade Tercel. In this alternate universe Don McLean is denied a career because "Bye Bye Miss Honda Civic" is unable to catch on with a nostalgic public. He doesn't achieve fame until 1997 when he options the rights to his name to McDonalds who then uses it for their low fat burger: The McLean.

11:29 PM  
Blogger Raskolnicov! said...

Jeez! That's clever! Especially the Big Bopper (Heeeey, Baby, that's not cutting it). And Vin Diesel, I really am surprised I forgot to put him on that list. Good call.

6:00 AM  

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