I find people who eat meat fascinating

Watching people eat vegetables is depressing. So much so in fact, that when I went to the mall the other day and saw a whole table of vegetarians (They could have been meat consumers too, for all I know, but they were all eating salads, so they might as well have been pterodactyls to me), I went home that night and wrote a suicide note, thinking there was no hope in this world for a poor meat eater like myself. But midway through the letter, I got bored and just turned on cartoons instead. At last that made me feel better for about an hour.

And the reason I get so darn upset seeing people lick lettuce is because it means they are depriving themselves of sucking the beautiful bounty of tastes that is the bovine. Meat is such a healthy, exciting alternative to vegetables, and vegetables don't do anything for you but make you weak in mind and spirit (and probably transform you into a ravaging Communist if you're not careful).

So, in that way, I would like to honor the brave people around the world who are carnivores who believe the only teeth they really need are their incisors and maybe that other flat tooth near the back for ripping open ketchup and hot and mild packets at Taco Bell. You, my friends, are the heroes of this great land, and everyday you are making a diference. One dead animal at a time.