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Thursday, June 01, 2006

A robot is only a robot if it's wired with high tech circuitry. You see a cow, a cow is not a robot

I went to the store the other day (Isn’t that an interesting opener? No? Bah, the hell with thee!) to find me the parts to build me a robot after seeing one in Rocky IV…you know, the one with the Russian guy in it. What I found at the Salvation Army, to my dismay, were not the sort of tools I could use to refine the kind of Ovaltine bringing, Nintendo playing robot I was looking for.

Instead, what I bought was a toaster. I took apart its intestines, studied the interior design of it, and cobbled together what my unsteady hands could produce. And what I have now is a top of the line piece of crap.

It doesn’t do anything I programmed it to do (Retrieve mail, open hard to twist lids, kill people) and it usually just sits around all day and watches Rikki Lake while it drinks V8 through the hole I put in its lid.

I named it Sturdy Gertrude, but it’s not as sturdy as it sounds.

Sometimes, when I kick it down the stairs for pure amusement (I programmed pain into its system, so it actually feels all those jagged steps slamming against its mainframe) it doesn’t get back up for hours, and I usually have to put it back together myself for it to operate again.

Another problem I have with my pet robot is that it swears at me sometimes and demands I feed it rosary beads drenched in Tabasco sauce when it’s writing rhymes in its notebook.

As a polytheistic religious man, I feel a little guilty about this and often times don’t want to anger my many gods like Zeus, Santeria, God, Vishnu, Television, and Odin by feeding it rosary beads. But then I realize that I’m only offending one god in that motif of magistrates, so it really won’t be so bad in the long run. Hopefully not.

But I still wish my robot did better things with its life. It’s practically eating itself to death with all the Combos it consumes in a day.

So, what I’ve decided is that I need a new robot. The next one I build is either going to be a Robocop or a Terminator. I haven’t decided yet.

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