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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

My Double Chin has the Power of North Korea and Aquaman Combined!

Everybody I’ve ever gone to the local China Buffet with has commented on how it’s tacky that I use the soup bowl as a larger, more accommodating bowl for my after meal ice cream (are you kidding me? That little silver bowl they give you is not Buffet worthy, I don’t know why they even bother putting that out there). But NOW who has the last laugh?

After eating myself illegally obese this past weekend, I’ve discovered that my once prominent one chin has evolved into an all mighty, all powerful, Godzilla killing, TWO chins, and now has the power to single-handedly take on whoever’s the champ right now in just about any sport in the world (Including curling and cup stacking). The cool thing about my double chin is that it weighs a healthy fourteen pounds and is also eligible to vote at this upcoming 2008 election (We’re torn, I’m for Obama, my chin is for Hillary, this is going to be one hellish primary).

But most people (mostly women) aren’t impressed with my second chin, citing that it is ghastly in many ways, and horrifying in others. To those people, I say, Mungadung. Now really now, are you honestly telling me that if you had the ability to scientifically sprout an extra chin, you wouldn’t? I find that hard to believe, really, I do.

And to prove you’re wrong in every conceivable way legal in the state of Nebraska, I’ve listed a few famous people in history who have had double chins, and also reasons why they’ve succeeded in life (Pro Tip: it’s because they had double chins)

John Goodman—John Goodman’s double chin actually made him look uncannily like Babe Ruth in the movie of the same name, and also enabled him to have the deep vibrato (whatever that means) to deliver exciting new endorsements for Dunkin Donuts commercials. Without a double chin, John Goodman would just be Roseanne Barr.

King Henry the letter V and three uppercased I’s.—Though I’ve never really seen a picture of King Henry the eighthhhhh, I do know that he had a lot of wives and supposedly died of syphilis. But, legend has it (a legend I just made up, mind you), if he didn’t have his awesome double chin, he would have also been inflicted with Chlamydia and gonorrhea...as well as rickets (though, I don’t know how). But don’t take my word for it…That’s the end of the sentence. I'm sorry if the dot, dot, dot, made you think there was more.

Henry James—Most people these days don’t even know who Henry James is, and that’s okay. Most people don’t know who their Secretary of State is, either, and this country is getting by fine, isn’t it? Well, for those out there who DON’T know who Mr. James is, all you have to know is this: he had a double chin and is immesely overrated. And that’s all you have to know about Henry James.

There are a whole lot other people with double chins, but all this weight I put on over the weekend is reeeeealllly making me sleepy. Just know that the greatest thing you can do for this country is grow a double chin (if you don’t have one already, which you probably do.). Remember, girth increases birth. I actually don’t know if that’s true, but it rhymes, and rhymes are always true…when they’re on time, ohhhhhh! But seriously, though, lose weight. The following has been paid for by McDonalds.


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