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Sunday, November 12, 2006

I pledge my vote to Megatron

Fuck the Autobots! I know this kind of gutter language is not usually found in my normally squeaky clean vocabulary, but I have such a sour distaste for Optimus and Co.’s current administration, that I think that a little cussin’ and fist pumping is in order. My loyalty to the admirable Decepticons actually didn’t start until about three weeks ago when I saw them over in Louisiana giving a rousing speech about health care and the future of this country.

Megatron, with the gun cannon on his shoulder occasionally shooting out red, yellow, and blue pills (like Dr. Mario!) to the audience at large, slammed on the podium not once, not twice, but thrice, in rapid succession, when he began to talk about his disdain for how Optimus Prime was handling the current situation.

“The Autobots,” Megatron squealed, his vice candidate, Starscream, wearing a tweed hat and seersucker suit, clapping on the sidelines, “Say that you don’t deseeerve the benefits that you have coming to you down the line, but I disagree! You deserve EXATLY what’s coming to you, and I will make sure of that.”

We all cheered explosively, but he put up his metal hands to calm us down. He wasn’t finished yet. “And the Autobots,” he said, gesticulating with his hands the way they transform, insinuating that they do it in the homosexual manner, pelvises first, “think that stem cell research is esssssential to our lives. But you know what I say to that?”

The audience, dumbfounded for a moment, shrugged their shoulders and eventually said “No!” We thought he was asking a rhetorical question.

“Well I say, stem cell research is barbaric! Why kill them when they’re babies when you could kill them when they’re all grown up on the battle field?”

The audience, now stirred to an insane amount of support, threw up their hands and cheered in unison, “Mega-tron, Mega-tron!”

Megatron just stood with his arms crossed, the visor over his eyes deflecting the magnificent amount of light that was splashing off his breastplate and bouncing back into his eyes.

But one person WASN’T hooting and hollering. Stepping forth from the sea of the crowd, the waves pushing him back a bit, was Marty McFly, himself, Michael J. Fox. He was wearing the poncho from Back to the Future 3 and the leather Jacket on top of it from Back to the Future 2. Apparently, he thought it was going to be chilly day that day.

“I disagree,” Michael said, a bit twitchy, but maintaining himself well. Parkinson’s is a miserable disease.

“Step cell research could help eliminate a lot of problems. If you’d only look at this literature I brought along, you will see that the benefits far out shadow the”

But before he could even finish his sentence, with a quickness I have never seen before, Megatron leapt into the air, transformed (Ooh ha ha ha) and landed in the hands of Starscream in the form of a pistol. In a matter of seconds, Marty McFly was vaporized dust.

Silence permeated the area for quite some time, the smoke still spiraling from the muzzle in an eye of the storm like cloud. We all looked at each other, then at the clothes lying on the ground atop the cremated remains of Michael J. Fox, and then back at each other. The silence wasn’t broken until one man, morbidly obese and wearing a novelty Frankenberry t-shirt, lodged his thumb and index finger into his mouth and let out a shrill whistle. The clapping came slow and deliberately, but it came, and after that, we were all back to having teary eyes of joy and hope. Once man even shouted, “Teen Wolf 2 sucked!” and everybody laughed. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Michael J. Fox wasn’t even IN Teen Wolf 2 (It was Jason Bateman). The whole crowd was already too elated to try to calm down at this point.

So in 2008, with this next election rolling around the corner like a bramble bush, vote Megatron and the Decepticon party. They’re the only ones with the balls to say they’re going to turn you into dust and actually DO it. All hail Megatron and the Decepticon party! Ooh ha ha ha, ooh ha ha ha!


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