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Monday, January 01, 2007

I Just Can’t Get Enough of this New Rash I Have

Being a young, impressionable male, aged 23, I have always been a little upset that I was never around to get the infamous Bubonic Plague I’ve heard so favorably about in the annals of time and old issues of AARP. And with modern technology readily improving every day (they can send a man to the MOON now!) I’ve decided that my life’s ambition—to acquire the Bubonic plague and BEAT it in a draw of stud poker—will not be occurring anytime soon. This disheartens Rich Knight by at least a 73% percent margin on the happiness scale.

But there’s HOPE! Just the other day, while lying face forward, stomach touching my pillow, I felt a sort of a winding trail of prickly goose pimples on my clavicle that I later found out to be a rash. How I acquired it (Possibly when I smeared mayonnaise all over my chest in attempts to woo a female seagull at the shore) I dare not surmise, but the fact that I have it is testament enough that, through not getting it checked out at the doctor or putting any sort of cream on it, it could one day hopefully mutate into a form of the plague I have already denoted and named “Gene.”

“Gene” is a 4 inch by 3 foot rash that has since spread from my clavicle to my pinky toe on my left hand. It is red, likes long walks on the beach, and is licensed to pilot a motor boat in several states. Sadly, mine is not one of them.

If you would like “Gene” to host your next Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah, or are interested in being godparents to its eventual children, please contact your local Pope and tell him to inform me of your interest. Don’t delay; dial your local Pope today!

*The following has been paid for and sponsored by the New Jersey Vatican Gift Shoppe*

1 Comments:

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