If Charles Was in Charge of Me, Technically, I would be Living in a Dictatorship

I’m not going to fib; Scott Baio seems like a pretty cool guy to have as a political leader. He has cool hair, I think he’s dated a few buxom super models, and overall, I don’t know if I’d mind having Charles in Charge of me.

But I’m thinking of the bigger picture here, people, the bigger picture.

I mean, do we really think Charles would be so cool after awhile when he starts to feel his power corrupt him absolutely?

I can already see it now: a 40 foot tall, 20 ton Scott Baio robot stomping through our avenues and telling us it’s time to go to bed at 8:00 PM because he has a date coming over and doesn’t want anybody to interfere with him scoring.

Can I live like that? Well, sure, I can, but I’m not thinking about me, I'm thinking about you, the little people, the dwarves.

Like most children of the 80’s, I could care less if Mr. Baio’s iron fist squeezes the nation dry of its resources and squanders all the coolness left in this world. If Scott Baio wants it, then dammit, I say let him have it.

But I’m looking out for my brother, a 90’s baby, and other such 90’s babies who didn’t grow up with the twinkle in the eye, sparkle in the teeth deity that is the Scott, but rather grew up with Mark-Paul Gosselaar and the Saved By the Bell gang (and we all know that THEY wouldn’t be fit to rule, I mean, have you seen their careers after that show? Jesse was the star of Showgirls for Vishnu’s sake.)

So I tell you all, my brothers, sisters, and Yu Gi Oh fans, rise up against Scott Baio and don’t let him be in charge of you. Like the green mulleted, eco champion, Captain Planet says: “The power is yours!” And I can only hope desperately that you actually believe that.