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Thursday, June 08, 2006

If Charles Was in Charge of Me, Technically, I would be Living in a Dictatorship

I’m not going to fib; Scott Baio seems like a pretty cool guy to have as a political leader. He has cool hair, I think he’s dated a few buxom super models, and overall, I don’t know if I’d mind having Charles in Charge of me.

But I’m thinking of the bigger picture here, people, the bigger picture.

I mean, do we really think Charles would be so cool after awhile when he starts to feel his power corrupt him absolutely?

I can already see it now: a 40 foot tall, 20 ton Scott Baio robot stomping through our avenues and telling us it’s time to go to bed at 8:00 PM because he has a date coming over and doesn’t want anybody to interfere with him scoring.

Can I live like that? Well, sure, I can, but I’m not thinking about me, I'm thinking about you, the little people, the dwarves.

Like most children of the 80’s, I could care less if Mr. Baio’s iron fist squeezes the nation dry of its resources and squanders all the coolness left in this world. If Scott Baio wants it, then dammit, I say let him have it.

But I’m looking out for my brother, a 90’s baby, and other such 90’s babies who didn’t grow up with the twinkle in the eye, sparkle in the teeth deity that is the Scott, but rather grew up with Mark-Paul Gosselaar and the Saved By the Bell gang (and we all know that THEY wouldn’t be fit to rule, I mean, have you seen their careers after that show? Jesse was the star of Showgirls for Vishnu’s sake.)

So I tell you all, my brothers, sisters, and Yu Gi Oh fans, rise up against Scott Baio and don’t let him be in charge of you. Like the green mulleted, eco champion, Captain Planet says: “The power is yours!” And I can only hope desperately that you actually believe that.

2 Comments:

Blogger worsebrains said...

Cogent, well-thought out argument, though I am inclined to disagree on two points.

1. Post show success? I'm afraid you've got it backwards, friend. Our kids from Bayside High are still entertainment blue chips. Take Mark-Paul. Dead Man on Campus? Hit. Dare I say NYPD Blue? Check it out sometime. Tivo it, it'll last longer. Zack Morris owns NYPD Blue.

If that is not proof enough, let me say three words. Tiffani. Amber. Thiessen. No, not convinced? Five more words. Nine. Oh. Two. One. Oh.

And what is Scott Baio doing during all this? Probably banging hot models. But more importantly, not being on TV.

2. I agree. Charles would definitely take charge as a benevolent dictator in the mold of Yugoslavia's Tito. However, it's that Buddy Lembeck who'll cause all the trouble. With Bibleman as Charle's Spiritual Advisor/Attorney General this totalitarian utopia will quickly devolve into an extreme right theocracy with a elite cadre of jackbooted holyman who'll make the Taliban look like airport Hare Krisnas. The Horror!

12:02 AM  
Blogger Raskolnicov! said...

To wit! You are correct! I especially appreciate you piling on the nonsense to the already pretty buttery layer of "wha?" I smeared on

Also, howcome I can't open up your blog about the Wyld Stallyns? Is the man keeping you down? If so...let's burn this motha down! And then eat a hoagie

7:24 AM  

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