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Monday, September 04, 2006

Five Fast Food Places Morbidly Obese People Would Create If They Had the Energy to Build them.

Fast food places, in comparison to the fat man’s wet dream, pale in comparison to what the fat man ultimately prays will be their supreme burger/burrito/forbidden donut glazed in three different kinds of sin joint that they can eat at. The solution, ideas mailed to their congressman about new places that can be built in the middle of their town or closest to the nearest hospital so they won’t have to travel very far for their next triple bi-pass.

Sure, Burger King’s new quadruple burger is a good start to the impending apocalypse, but we’re talking about meals that could even put the lumbering, modern day Godzilla, John Goodman to rest. So here are four great new ideas (and one great old one) from fat folks around the world for fast food joints that have yet to be constructed, but will be, as soon as they garner the energy to pick up their arms long enough to draw up a blueprint.

1. Burrito Hut with Dripping Cheese on the Roof-Taco Bell may have its endearing qualities (obese employees who look like their customers, sticky floors, sassy sauce packets), but what it doesn’t have is nacho cheese that drips from the roof in a constant stream of gooeyness that people can stand outside and just let drop into their mouth like snow on a cool Christmas morning.

Matter of fact, Burrito Hut actually doesn’t need to be erected and Taco Bell can stay just the way it is—it already has the ideal menu for the fat man’s perfect diet. But they definitely should add that dripping cheese feature as soon as humanly possible so hefty people won’t have to wait for their meal when they drive up to the window. They can just get started on cheese and top it off with four or five ½ lb. Beef and Potato burritos for the road. The council has spoken!

2. Sloppy Seconds-Sloppy Joe’s are often underappreciated in the world of Trans fatty acids and deserve the respect of having a whole restaurant that serves nothing but meat piled in mounds of red sauce. It doesn’t really matter what kind of red sauce it is—ketchup, catsup, cocktail, Kool-Aid powder, the cherry kind, of course—but it has to make an appearance on some sort of chopped up hamburger meat. Also, there should be whole bodysuits, advanced husky size; that we can wrap around ourselves just in case we happen to spill any goodness on our best moo moos. The council is hungry!

3. Sausage Factory-Meat and pounds of it. We’re talking about so much meat that a thirty pack of White Castle burgers is equivalent to one hot dog of glowing goodness. And if anybody happens to, I don’t know, die of a heart attack while eating one of these succulent, succulent dogs that any one of us would sell our 17 year old daughters for on eBay, there would be no need to dispose of them or find them a burial at sea. I’m sure the council will find a means to dispose of that fallen fatty. Just have somewhere to put those bones, though. Those don’t go down so easy. The council is starving!

4. Donut Depository-A great idea would be a bank that basically deposited all your doughnuts from home or nestled in your belly button and kept them in safe keeping from anybody else around the house. This would especially be good for people who are supposed to be on diets but realize that diets are for sissies and shouldn’t be told what they can and cannot eat. This not only should be built but needs to be built, as my wife keeps finding blueberry jelly marks on my collar and this has turned into a problem. And God help her, she just can’t find out I’ve been cheating on my diet. The truth, like my body, would crush her soul. The council is ready to devour human flesh!

5. Fat Burger-Yes, it already exists, but no, there aren’t enough of them in the world, so just build a few more and our unctuous UN unity will be satiated. The council is now ready to take a nap! Thus shall it be!

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