Bill Cosby gave me the eye (You know the eye I’m talking about) while I was watching the Bill Cosby Show last night.

Bill Cosby is a pervert! The other day, he gave me the, “I want to turn you over, spread your asshole wide open and rape you while I wear this sweater” look, and by Gum, I just don’t know if I feel safe anymore leaving my pets and open refrigerator around him when he’s like that—he’s just so different when he’s drunk on Clear Pepsi and Jell-O snack products.

It was like any other Nick at Night, Cosby was doing his gyrations and special dance for heroes when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he started wiggling his fingers in front of his face. And just then, out of the purple, he opened his eyes wide (wide like THIS) and gave me THE LOOK. And I think we all know what look I’m talking about here. THEE LOOK.

I felt violated, and I backpedaled backwards on my couch, kicking my legs out and shouting, “Mr. Cosby, I had no idea you were anything like this,” and tossed my Fortunoff pillow at the screen, which, as it should have, made the TV jump right to a commercial break (It knows what it did).

Now, I’m no prude, and I don’t know about you, but I know for a fact that you don’t like stuff like that, so I went through the trouble of forging your name and putting it on a petition to have Cosby, with his salacious symptoms, taken off the air.

If you agree with me, then please send four dollars to the Rich Knight has been violated, so let’s give him money to calm him down foundation. With only four dollars out of five, you too can give poor Rich Knight clean water and an education. Not only that, but when you sponsor Rich Knight, he will send you a personalized letter written in someone else’s blood detailing what he did today with your four dollars. Don’t you care about Rich Knight? If so, then call now!

Oh, and screw Bill Cosby. Take his perverted ass off TV.