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Monday, September 18, 2006

I think I’ve waited long enough for Parker Lewis Can’t Lose to come out on DVD. Hollywood, you’ve been warned.

Now, I’m normally a peaceful man. I pay my taxes (sometimes) and I live with the belief that it’s wrong to hurt people unless they annoy you or like music that is contradictory to your own taste, but enough is enough already! What’s going on in this world when the Simple Life gets all of its seasons plastered right on DVD while a series as good as Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, the closest show we’ll ever have to finding out if God really exists, doesn’t get the time of day or the chance to make an appearance on DVD? It’s enough to turn a pacifist like myself into a belligerent, ammunition hungry American itching to step foot in Iraq just to blow some feces up for no apparent reason other than my government said I could.

So, with the absence of my favorite show on DVD, I’ve resorted to random acts of violence. Don’t believe me? Listen up, then!

Just the other day, when I went to the Best Buy to request my copy of the show (Which I knew wasn’t out, I just wanted to raise some caine), I brought on the pain. Before the busboy in blue could even turn around to see if they had it, I knocked him out with a sack of doorknobs I have collected over the years in an attempt to be a world record holder of the most doorknobs in a single sack. My star rating had already jumped to two by the time I hopped in my car, blasted Tears For Fears from my tape deck, and sped off home while the cops chased me all the way back to my safe spot.

Phew, that was a close one, but I guarantee it will happen again.

Put Parker Lewis Can’t Lose on DVD or else. For who knows what a man obsessed with a sack of doorknobs can do in a city or town near you? I do, and the answer is deliver pain, pain, pain! Put it on DVD, now!

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