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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Thank Jehovah’s Witness that Black History Month is Finally Over

February, besides being the shortest month of the year, is also the most annoying, since it harbors both abysmally, balls shriveling cold weather, and black history month. And anybody who’s anybody knows that BHM is the biggest farce since Scorsese won the Academy Award for The Departed (Just because he didn’t win for Taxi Driver or Raging Bull doesn’t mean he deserves it now).

“But, wait,” you say, scratching the rash on your belly you’ve had since Monday but are afraid to get checked out (You’ve even smeared Peanut Butter on it, thinking it would work), “Aren’t you black, Richard B. Knight?”

And while this is a good assumption (and an accurate one), judging by my skin color, it doesn’t mean squat. Back in, ummmm, I’m going to say fourth grade, I was actually reprimanded for saying black history month was stupid (I wasn’t referring to things as “gay,” back then, but if the phrase was part of the English vernacular like it is now, I probably would have) when we had to study it for a whole month in a section of the book that was SOLELY designated for the month of February. Showcasing that black history is obviously not comparable to the rest of the history in the text book, as black history is a whole ‘nother monster, probably with a big black dong. Black History, like most blacks, probably has a big black dong.

But the whole concept of it is sofa king retar Ed. A month dedicated to black history is segregation, plain and simple. Black history, Heaven and Georgia forbid, in this light, is not to be taught the rest of the year, since it deserves a whole month, which is just a way of saying, “Here’s your damn month, take it and like it.” And while Martin Luther King Jr. is nifty and all, why do I have to celebrate what he did every single stinking year (in cold booty weather, no less) as if he parted the Red Sea with his bear hands?

Yes, I KNOW he did more for blacks than the average Notorious B.I.G., and yes, I KNOW black people now have rights they never had as little as five decades ago, but with that, we’ve also got rappers talking about why their “leather’s so soft,” and “this is why I’m hot.” Come ON, man, don’t you have anything BETTER to talk about than your newly acquired opulence? Sheeh!

And why do I have to see stupid Coke commercials reminding me that I better be celebrating (and drinking sugar from a bottle) while I still can? I know this kind of treatment only happens once a year, but garsh, you’re kinda beating me over the head with it and disappointing me when you tell me that the last great black achievement was in 1963 (See: MLK, again).

It’s all so…cloying! Take something good, and then bastardize it. Good job, fellas. You guys did for black history month what Hallmark did for love: Made a stupid, commercial day out of it, and then tell people it’s all in the spirit of the holidays. You’re AA sponsors would be proud.

Oh, and Kwanzaa’s dumb, too. People dressing up in Afrika Bambaataa garb and lighting candles? Why don’t they just play Planet Rock and call it Afrika Bambaata day then? Black History Month and Kwanzaa=unneeded.

Thank God the month is short, at least.


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