If I was given enough Red Bull Energy Drink, I think I could piss fire and scale the empire state building with the cilia in my nose

Red Bull pumps me up, like, mucho a lot. Back in the day, I used to drink Surge and I kept a time table of how much sperm I was supposedly losing per sip, but then I realized that that time table was stupid and it didn’t deserve to exist. So I took it outside and terminated it with extreme prejudice with my Ice Cube CD, put on repeat, ad infinitum. When I got back to it, mid ad infinitum, that time table had a Jheri curl and a bad attitude, and I realized it was then time to put it out of its misery (poor time table).

Anyway, back to my staked claim. Today, Red Bull is the new Surge, and I betchoo, if you gave me enough Red Bull, I could scale the highest mountain shaped skyscraper using only my good looks and nose hairs. Since I’m about as attractive as the warts on Jon Lovitz’s ass (Have you ever seen that guy? “Subway! Eat FraasH!”), I guess my nose hairs are going to have to be my only resource.

So….

So….

So….

Somebody buy me a whole lotta Red Bull already and see if I can actually do it! Yeesh! Whose scrotum do I have to suck around here to actually get noticed and listened to?