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Saturday, March 10, 2007

I beat leprosy!

Many of you may not have known this (including myself), but I actually had leprosy. And if my idea for why I got it in the first place serves me correctly, which it probably doesn’t, the reason I acquired it is because I “accidentally” ate meat on Friday, which, as all Catholics know, is a big no-no, or, as Bruno from The Ali G Show would put it, a big “nish-nish.”

So, the only logical explanation for my sudden bout with leprosy, which I beat by scaling the highest mountain and singing “I’m a maniac, maaaaaniac, that’s for sure, and I’m dancing like I never danced before,” all to Marky Mark’s “Good Vibrations” (And let me tell you, singing and dancing to a song with another song playing in the background is much harder than you think), is because God was spiting me.

Leave it to me to forget that Good Friday just so happens to land on a Friday, which is the same day I enjoyed a foot long meat sub from the house that Jared built (or at least made popular).

I knew by the first bite, after realizing that it was Friday, that I should stop while I was in mid-mastication, but did I? Noooooooo. I reasoned that God wouldn’t be too upset with me since I’ve done a pretty good job of not eating snacks or deserts for the entirety of Lent so far, which is my sacrifice for the season. But jeepers, He was just as mad as ever.

Out of the clouds, God (yes, THEE God) pointed a long, austere finger at me, his voice booming in between bouts of thunder, and scolded me with the severity of a father catching his only son borrowing his brand new Camaro: “RICHARD BRANDON KNIGHT!” He said, “I SAAAAW YOU EAT THAT SUB, AND NOT JUST HALF OF IT, EITHER, BUT ALLLLL OF IT, AND YOU CHEWED IT WITH GREAT RELISH AND GLEE. AND WHEN I SAY GREAT RELISH, I MEAN OF THE PICKLE VARIETY! YES, I SAW YOU, DON’T THINK I DIDN’T SEE YOU PUT RELISH ON A MEATBALL SUB. YOU SICKEN ME!”

And with that, leprosy spread all across my body. I wandered the land for a whole day speaking inaudible things to passerby’s who spat on me, and called me Leprosy McLep Leper, which, now that I’m cured, doesn’t really make much sense. But you know how cruel people can be when you have leprosy. And if you don’t, I never liked you anyway.

So, back to my story.

Well…actually, that was it.

But if you’re looking for a moral to this story, here it is: Good Vibrations, even today, is a totally radical song.

Oh, and try not to eat meat on Friday. At least not a whole meatball sub, anyway.

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