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Friday, June 23, 2006

Crappy games that looked good at the time but are now considered crappy because people understand crap once it’s pointed out to them

As a gamer and nonprofit comedian, you folks (Jeff, Bill, mom) should have TOLD me that I should stop ranting about nonsense and start ranting about important stuff, namely gaming. But since you didn’t, I’m just going to have to pretend that you did and make my own list of games that are considered crappy today, even though, back then you probably exclaimed: “Oh, man, this game’s the shit. When I die, I hope to be buried with it alongside my POGS and Ecto Cooler.”

Well, for those gamers who actually talk like that (May Jehovah have mercy on ye soul) here is your list:

Why? Why was this game ever considered revolutionary? I remember Ultra Game Players gave it a whopping 98(wowza!)% rating out of 100 and were raving about it like it was sliced bread invented by the second coming of Christ. Well, what I have to say to that is…I was in on it, too, so I really can’t say anything. But, I will say this, today, it rully, rully, rully, rully, rully sucks. Hard. But back in the day, with sleek graphics, the ability to dynamically roll in and out of the way of attacks, and an awesome weapon system that Soul Blade totally shatted on in months to come, BAT was like a landmine in a Cambodian village just itching to go off. Nobody expected it, and BOOM! Everybody took cover inside the latest game shop and stepped out with a shiny new Playstation in their hands. Now, if only somebody realized that purdy graphics and a stupid premise never works. Unless, of course, that game is Tekken.

Besides its women’s right movement pink pistol that actually invited women and metrosexuals to play along (The pink gun is now a house hold standard in gun games where you kill people), this game sucked it on the right places. First, it had the most annoying factor in any gun game—the moronic hostage who stood up at just the wrong moment (At least in Virtua Cop, hostages had the courtesy to plead “Please don’t shoot me” as they ran out in the midst of gunfire). And second, well, there is no second, the game just sucked. But it DID have an interesting sequel set in the Wild, Wild, West. Too bad the sequel sucked equally, if not more than so, the original. RELOAD!

You can lose WEIGHT playing this game?! What the hell do you think Tai Bo is for? For FUN?! Well, I didn’t see that one white guy with the goatee in the back surrounded by all those fat chicks next to Billy Blank having fun! Did YOU?! Save the exercise for the beautiful people, DDR, and go back to Japan. Everybody knows only lepers and fatty cakes play video games. And that’s a fact you can wear like a back pack, P Jack.

Okay, don’t wave your fist or glare at me too hard, gamers, you all know that every game in the Resident Evil series (yes, even 2) was utter and complete garbage. And I’m not just saying compared to Resident Evil 4, I mean garbage in general. First, let’s talk about the control scheme. Can you honestly tell me that you didn’t spend at least 40% of the game getting your face out of the wall while you were running away from one of the various craptacular monsters that pervaded the playgrounds of Resident Evil? Be honest, you know you did. And you know what I say to that? I say, I hope whichever idiot had the “brilliant” idea to make “up” the command to move “down” lost his job and couldn’t feed his family, because that was just plan brain dead on his part. Also…well, watch the movies; they’re pretty close to the game, and the movies are as terrible as it gets (Prove me wrong!)

Okay, I’m not sure if anybody besides fanboys even played this dung pile, but if you did, shame on you for still liking it!

I actually have more (Battletoads, though I love thee, you were just TOO DAMN HARD!) I hafta eat dinner now—a protein shake and a Ritz cracker for flavor.

If you have any of your own, be sure to post (but I think you hafta become a member first, which is weak tartar sauce) and put them up. And yeah, Nintendo wii is going to be sa-weeeet.