Wait, Madam! There is comedy in your purse

Spread the word! Rich wears women's underwear (No, not THAT word!) What I meant was, spread the word that this BLOG makes polio string cheese come out all of your orafices. And if it doesn't, lie to your friends and say it does. Rich is tired of sucking scrotum to get ahead, and he wants a real job, one that pays. So come on in! I have Hot Pockets in the fridge

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Bill Cosby gave me the eye (You know the eye I’m talking about) while I was watching the Bill Cosby Show last night.

Bill Cosby is a pervert! The other day, he gave me the, “I want to turn you over, spread your asshole wide open and rape you while I wear this sweater” look, and by Gum, I just don’t know if I feel safe anymore leaving my pets and open refrigerator around him when he’s like that—he’s just so different when he’s drunk on Clear Pepsi and Jell-O snack products.

It was like any other Nick at Night, Cosby was doing his gyrations and special dance for heroes when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he started wiggling his fingers in front of his face. And just then, out of the purple, he opened his eyes wide (wide like THIS) and gave me THE LOOK. And I think we all know what look I’m talking about here. THEE LOOK.

I felt violated, and I backpedaled backwards on my couch, kicking my legs out and shouting, “Mr. Cosby, I had no idea you were anything like this,” and tossed my Fortunoff pillow at the screen, which, as it should have, made the TV jump right to a commercial break (It knows what it did).

Now, I’m no prude, and I don’t know about you, but I know for a fact that you don’t like stuff like that, so I went through the trouble of forging your name and putting it on a petition to have Cosby, with his salacious symptoms, taken off the air.

If you agree with me, then please send four dollars to the Rich Knight has been violated, so let’s give him money to calm him down foundation. With only four dollars out of five, you too can give poor Rich Knight clean water and an education. Not only that, but when you sponsor Rich Knight, he will send you a personalized letter written in someone else’s blood detailing what he did today with your four dollars. Don’t you care about Rich Knight? If so, then call now!

Oh, and screw Bill Cosby. Take his perverted ass off TV.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I think I’ve waited long enough for Parker Lewis Can’t Lose to come out on DVD. Hollywood, you’ve been warned.

Now, I’m normally a peaceful man. I pay my taxes (sometimes) and I live with the belief that it’s wrong to hurt people unless they annoy you or like music that is contradictory to your own taste, but enough is enough already! What’s going on in this world when the Simple Life gets all of its seasons plastered right on DVD while a series as good as Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, the closest show we’ll ever have to finding out if God really exists, doesn’t get the time of day or the chance to make an appearance on DVD? It’s enough to turn a pacifist like myself into a belligerent, ammunition hungry American itching to step foot in Iraq just to blow some feces up for no apparent reason other than my government said I could.

So, with the absence of my favorite show on DVD, I’ve resorted to random acts of violence. Don’t believe me? Listen up, then!

Just the other day, when I went to the Best Buy to request my copy of the show (Which I knew wasn’t out, I just wanted to raise some caine), I brought on the pain. Before the busboy in blue could even turn around to see if they had it, I knocked him out with a sack of doorknobs I have collected over the years in an attempt to be a world record holder of the most doorknobs in a single sack. My star rating had already jumped to two by the time I hopped in my car, blasted Tears For Fears from my tape deck, and sped off home while the cops chased me all the way back to my safe spot.

Phew, that was a close one, but I guarantee it will happen again.

Put Parker Lewis Can’t Lose on DVD or else. For who knows what a man obsessed with a sack of doorknobs can do in a city or town near you? I do, and the answer is deliver pain, pain, pain! Put it on DVD, now!